Tuesday, November 20, 2012

The One That Got Away

How I Twisted My Ankle On a Jello Shot

Went to my daughter's house to keep her from going ballistic on the roofers.  Left with 2 trays of jello shots.  When I got home, I tried to balance the trays of jello shots on the railing while I unlocked the front door.  Jello shots do not balance on a railing.  Ended up with jello shots everywhere.  I couldn't tell how many fell off the porch, behind the bushes, into a deep pile of leaves, but imagined a raccoon finding them and getting hammered and I just wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing I got wildlife hooked on jello shots.  So, I turned on the porch light and went in the house to find something to gather up the escapees with.

For some reason, it seemed easier to grab a vacuum cleaner attachment than a rake, so I went with that.  Back outside, it seemed dark, so I turned on the porch light - not remembering or realizing that I had already done that. I turned it off then back on.  Realized I needed a flashlight.  Back in the house, then back to the front porch, one more time not thinking and turned off the porch light, so then back on again.  Stepped off the porch.  It turns out that leaves mask what's underneath and give way under the weight of a human foot.  Down I went, rolled and tumbled.  Laid there in the leaves for a few minutes, having twisted my ankle, and realized, there's no one to call for help, so I stumbled and fumbled and eventually got back to my feet.

Tried to rake in the jello shot with the vacuum cleaner attachment (turns out there was only one jello shot, so the raccoon probably would have survived) and kept losing it in the leaves, however, at this point it seemed sillier to give up than to keep trying to retrieve a jello shot with a vacuum cleaner attachment, in the dark, under a bush, hidden in a pile of leaves, so I persevered until I was triumphant.

Back in the house, turned off the porch light, looked back outside, the porch light was still on, I had turned off the foyer light overhead.  Turned it back on and the porch light off and realized I had lost part of the vacuum cleaner attachment.  Porch light back on, no wait, that was the foyer light, then the porch light, back outside - at this point I don't know what lights are on and which are off and wondering, really, if I even needed them at all, because, hey, just realized, I'm holding a two foot long flashlight.  Found the attachment in the dark, back inside, flick the lights back and forth a few more times, start walking through the living room and hear the sound of leaves trailing behind me.  Remembered, I fell in a pile of leaves, could that sound possibly be because  I'm covered in them?  Lights on and off a few more times as I muddle my way back outside, this time careful not to step in the black hole pile o' leaves just off my porch step.  Clean myself off, back inside, lights off and on and possibly off again by now, (half wondering if the neighbors are watching at this point).

Go to put the little AWOL jello shot into the frig with its little friends and somehow knock out the veggie crisper drawer.  Jello shots out of the frig, bang crisper around the frig a few times to vent; consolidate jello shots into one bin (go ahead and take a few pics because at this point I realize this little snafu is at least going to be posted on fb), sit down, have a banana, showing restraint not to just ingest all of the jello shots.  Stand up, walk through and slip on Velvet's drool from where she was sitting while I ate my banana...seem to have blocked out whatever went wrong after that; couldn't have been good.  Just as well, I feel my entire body turning into one big bruise, so I'm going to call it quits here.

So, long story short:
roofers jello shots intoxicated raccoon porch light flickers leaves twisted ankle vacuum cleaner attachment flashlight banana Beagle drool


  1. I suppose if the jello shots could say their piece, it would be something like:
    "Victory - oh sweet victory!"

    Take care, my friend - the holidays are only beginning....

  2. I love the way you write. You make me forget that you actually got hurt here and I'm sure you were more than frustrated, but you still suceeded in making me laugh.
    I think you have a little Murphy in you as well. :-)
    Hope the ankle is OK.

  3. My poor Mommy!!!!1! You could call me next time you fall into a pile of leaves and I'll at least come laugh at you. :)

    1. Not nice - if you did, I would take Velvet to your house to babysit while I heal :)