January Blues

January blues seem to be a yearly thing for me. It's amazing how I can go from feeling energized with all of the exciting things I'm going to do in the new year, to depressed - completely depressed - within the first week.  This January hasn't even been bad, weather-wise; well, today is.

Typical Ohio winter day: grey, wet, dark, cold, windy...it sucks the energy right out of me. I tend to overthink things, too, which doesn't help. It lends itself to getting overwhelmed easily, which leads to a type of psycho-paralysis (my term, not literally paralyzed) and so I just sit, and think, and worry, and stress. It becomes a vicious cycle that is difficult to break away from.

Luckily, when I decide that enough is enough, I can work out of my funk, in one of several ways:

• Count my blessings. I am so grateful for everything in my life, and for my life, but sometimes, I lose sight of that, so I literally make a numbered list of everything that's going right in my life, and praise God for His grace and mercy.
• Find something in my everyday life that makes me laugh. There's a man who stands out on a corner in downtown Dayton and dances for the traffic. He was even out in the rain dancing and smiling. The squirrels outside my window make me laugh...today one was running up the side of a house across the street. He ran up to the window sill, sat (and actually looked like he was peering in the window) and then climbed back down, ran over to a tree, ran up and then down, and then repeated the whole thing. Yes, I realize this makes me look terribly pathetic, sitting around watching a squirrel, but, it helped, so :-P
• Call someone - on the phone - not a text, or an email, an actual, person to person interaction.
• Meditate. Sometimes I just need to clear my mind of all that clutter. So, I sit quietly, close my eyes, and just focus on my breathing. More often than not, God will use that time to show me or tell me what to do.
• Pray. I am sure to praise God, and thank Him for everything, first; then, I speak to Him about whatever is troubling me.
• Read the Bible. All the answers are in there.
• Write. I have an ongoing journal that I keep and just let it all out. I can say whatever I want; no one is going to judge me, and it really relieves a lot of anxiety. If it doesn't work, I write in my paper journal, with a pen; I think it works better than typing, but that's just me.

If you have any ways that you work through depression, feel free to share them in the comments.

Disappointment

I seem to be experiencing a lot of it lately.  Mostly, I've become disappointed in several other people over the last couple of weeks, and it has been depressing me.  Therefore, I think (obsess) about it all the time.

The first person, I'll call "Pencil" (so I don't use real names or pronouns), has developed a double standard for the things that "it" can do as opposed to what the other "its" in its house can do.  And, Pencil is just acting really immature.  There's nothing I can do about it except accept this apparently new side of Pencil and get over it.  The people that Pencil is directly affecting need to do the discussing, but Pencil isn't listening, and definitely isn't seeing both sides of the issue.  I feel that Pencil is being very selfish.

The second person, Pillow, just doesn't "get" me, and it's frustrating when trying to communicate.

The third person, Parrot, seems so self-involved, that it's a little difficult to be around.  Parrot is extremely pompous and opinionated, but otherwise, very smart and friendly.

The fourth person is more like a group of people; they are closed-minded and won't even listen to other points of view.  They don't follow tried and true methods, don't speak up when they need help, and completely disregard me as a source of information and experience.

My first reaction (as a result of frustration) is to just ignore it; be numb to it.  If I expect nothing from these people, then I won't be disappointed.  This solution isn't really a solution.  It's just avoidance of a problem.  If I don't work through the problem, then it will always be there, at least in my mind.  Then again, there is no reason for any of these people to change.  They are just being themselves.  I wouldn't want someone to try to change me, and I certainly wouldn't want someone to approach me and tell me that they are disappointed in me.  My reaction to that would probably be one of anger, and in that state, I would have no desire to help repair the other person's opinion of me.

So, really, disappointment in other people is a conundrum.  At least, for me it is.  Maybe I'll come up with a solution some day.  Until then, I just need to not be so judgmental, and to just try to expect people to be themselves, instead of what I perceive themselves to be.

Clear your mind

One thing that helps me when I can't seem to shut off my mind, is to meditate and say "om" on the exhales.

Anniversary #27

Today would have been my 27th wedding anniversary.  I don't know when, if ever, you stop counting them after your spouse passes away, but I've been dwelling on this day all month.  I don't really understand what it is about marriage, but something happens when you say "I do" that transforms two individual people into a couple; two halves of a whole.  People will argue that, but I think they're just in denial.  Even if you drift apart through the years, even if your feelings completely change for each other, that connection will always be there.  When the couple is torn apart, especially by death, it leaves a big hole that will never be filled.  You can shrink it a bit, but its never completely gone.

I came across this coffee cup at work a couple of weeks ago.  It was one that Ken loved to use and kind of fits the situation and definitely fits the way he lived his life.

Words to live by.

Ken Weeks 1951-2011

Missing Ken

Its been a very difficult 6 weeks since the passing of my husband. I've gone through so many emotions, thoughts, feelings, ideas and life altering plans that I don't even know what is real anymore. I came here today because I thought it might help, and was feeling particularly great this morning when I woke up, like a great burden had been lifted. It felt almost normal to be me for the first time in forever. Then, when I signed in, I saw the blog I had made for my husband: Kenneth Weeks Memorial, and I reminisced and got all teary eyed. That linked to his blog, Mr. Natural's Homeplate, which made me miss him so much more, all over again, and also made me realize, that while I may have had a breakthrough today, its not "over."

Its my intention to start writing here as often as possible in the hopes of working through some things and also to share information with others who are going through the same thing. There is so much to share and unload. Some posts will be morbidly sad of course, but hopefully some will be positive and inspiring; and, if no one reads any of this, that's ok, too, because it will be of some help to me.

Today, I completed the first task given to me in a Grief Education meeting: I acknowledged that my husband has passed away and is not coming back.

A New Month - A New Storm

The First Storm:
January, 2011
I didn't fair too well with my first month of goals. By mid-January, everything was lost, everything seemed to fall apart. It seemed anything I had to say would be depressing and despondent, so I just didn't write anything at all. Additionally, I had no time or energy to "reflect" or write.

I knew 2011 was going to be a rough year for me and for my family and it started out with a bang. My husband's health condition just suddenly plummeted. He entered the hospital on January 3rd of this year and was discharged a week and a half later. It turned out the cancer had spread to the nerve endings of his spine and had affected his ability to walk. By the time he came home, he was 3 days into radiation, which was going well, but he had decided not to continue with his physical therapy while he was in the hospital. At his discharge, he could barely walk. We were set up with home care to include a nurse visit 2x a week, an occupational therapist 2x a week and a physical therapist 3x a week. I could definitely see an improvement by the end of the first week. The next week, he fell and with family members trying to help him up and bruising from the fall, he insisted on having a week off to rest.

That week was full of questions, concerns and torment for me. I got no sleep. Caring for him was/is becoming more and more of a physical strain as well and it takes longer to do the same tasks we had figured out how to do the week before. I started questioning if its time to call in hospice? Should I just let him rest and not force him to exercise? Should I let him just eat and drink however much he wants?

I began noticing new "symptoms"; changes in his behavior, mood, physical appearance and mental abilities.

To be continued ...

Meditation

I've spent the entire day just exhausted and rather blah. Really took it easy today, though and tried to find comfort in all of my friends' words of wisdom and inspiration and most importantly, support. I'll be sharing a lot of those comments later because they really do put things in perspective.

Several months ago, I went to a bookstore with my daughter and her boyfriend. I just can NOT go into a bookstore without buying something. After about an hour and a half of picking up books and putting them back (on such a wide range of subjects) I came across Meditation A Beginner's Guide by Charlotte Parnell. For some reason, I decided that was the one for me. I carried it around in my backpack for about 5 months before realizing, I am never going to read it, so I put it on our bookshelf.

Over the past couple of weeks, with all my thinking, reflecting, trying to get a grasp on 'the big picture' that we call life, I decided to return the book to my backpack. Last week, while visiting with my husband in the hospital, I pulled it out and started reading. This woman understood me! She even starts out talking about 'the big picture'. So, I've been reading it as time has allowed over the past couple of days and finally made it to the first meditation exercise. It was amazing!!!

I feel calmer and less depressed. Definitely a step in the right direction :)

New Years

New Years is often a time of reflection of one's past and current life and the hope and excitement for a chance at a better life. Its a rebirth that occurs every year; a new start, new beginning, a chance to "do over" those things which haven't worked out very well in the past.

Every year at this time, I join millions of others and make my New Year's Resolutions; often repeating the same resolutions as the year and years before, knowing full well that I will have given up on every single one of them within one or two weeks and laugh it off as a silly little game that I play and that it has no real meaning and there are no real consequences to blowing it off. Things are what they are and I'm not going to change just because the calendar says its time for me to.

Each year I read the horoscope for the coming year to see what the stars think will be my future for the coming year. It always sounds great. It makes me smile to think, even for a brief moment, that I could have a year like that. This year's said for me to do what I've been putting off and it will make the second half of 2011 very rewarding, both emotionally and financially. That one is tempting to follow up on.

Another new year's "thing" that I do is to make sure I have money in the bank and food in the pantry, because one time I read that was a tradition to insure that you would be able to provide for your family throughout the coming year.

This year is different, though. I've been very deep in thought and very melancholy. At the beginning of the week, I started my mental list of the usual resolutions: lose weight, exercise, get organized, be neater, makes lots of money, be more spontaneous and outgoing, learn something new, maybe even a new vocation, pamper myself, enjoy each day like its my last, etc., etc... Then I realized that none of that was going to happen and none of it is even remotely important. It occurred to me that I'm scared of the coming year. I don't want it to be 2011. I want to cling to 2010 where its safe.

You see, my husband of 25 years has stage 4 colon cancer. There's a very good chance that he will not survive 2011 and that just looms over me like a dark cloud. So I bounce around like a pinball between doing what I do every year (with the thought that tradition and consistency will comfort me, as well as being caught up in New Year's projects to keep me busy) to shrugging my shoulders at the whole thing, like 'what's the point?'

I was hoping in typing all of this out that I would come to a happy breakthrough, but I don't think that's going to happen today. Over the coming days, weeks, maybe even months I'll be working through my mental state and my life, but for now, my New Year's Resolutions will be put on the back burner. I did however come up with a New Year's theme as talked about in several blogs:

http://petsjubileebox.blogspot.com/2010/12/happy-new-year-resolutions.html which led me to this site:
http://makegreatstuff.com/whats-your-theme/ which led me to this site:
http://thirdhandworks.com/classes/guest-guide-series/laura-burkey/

So, after much thought and soul searching, my "theme" for 2011 is

Faith, Hope & Love
I Corinthians 13:13

and my tagline is:

Prayer
Matthew 21:22

Lastly, I want to leave you with this. It brings me comfort :)

2011 - May it be filled with miracles!