Dance

I received this as an email.  It explains some of the thinking I've been doing the past year and a half.  Life is such a gift, we need to cherish every minute of it.  

The email contained a link to this webpage.  I've copied the text below:

This was written by an 83-year-old woman to her friend.
*The last line says it all. *

Dear Bertha,

I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting in the yard and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the  garden. I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time working.

Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experiences to savor, not to endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them.

I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special event such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, or the first Amaryllis blossom.

I wear my good blazer to the market. My theory is if I look prosperous, I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries. I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties, but wearing it for clerks in the hardware store and tellers at the bank.

"Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now

I'm not sure what others would've done had they known they wouldn't be here for the tomorrow that we all take for granted. I think they would have called family members and a few close friends. They might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles. I like to think they would have gone out for a Chinese dinner or for whatever their favorite food was.

I'm guessing; I'll never know.

It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew my hours were limited. Angry because I hadn't written certain letters that I intended to write one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my husband and parents often enough how much I truly love them. I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and luster to our lives. And every morning when I open my eyes, tell myself that it is special.

Every day, every minute, every breath truly is a gift from God.

Do Over

I'm going through some stuff right now, mostly on a "relationship" that didn't work out.  In times like these I look to different things to inspire me to heal quickly.  First of all, I have a very supportive family, and a fantastic group of friends to support me and to always say the right thing.  I listen to soft, calming music, read the bible and meditate.  Occasionally, though, I'll think of a line from a movie or a song that gets me through the situation.  This particular instance took me back to the movie, "City Slickers".  The 3 main characters were sitting in front of a tent; everything seemed to be going wrong for their one friend, and Billy Crystal told him 'life is a do-over'.  If you don't like how this decision worked out, start over again, try again until you get the result you want. (paraphrased there).  So, that's the attitude I've taken since my husband passed away.  I've made tremendous progress, too, but need to realize that there are still going to be plans that go wrong and I will need to reassess my life and my life's path and to try, try again.

Anniversary #27

Today would have been my 27th wedding anniversary.  I don't know when, if ever, you stop counting them after your spouse passes away, but I've been dwelling on this day all month.  I don't really understand what it is about marriage, but something happens when you say "I do" that transforms two individual people into a couple; two halves of a whole.  People will argue that, but I think they're just in denial.  Even if you drift apart through the years, even if your feelings completely change for each other, that connection will always be there.  When the couple is torn apart, especially by death, it leaves a big hole that will never be filled.  You can shrink it a bit, but its never completely gone.

I came across this coffee cup at work a couple of weeks ago.  It was one that Ken loved to use and kind of fits the situation and definitely fits the way he lived his life.

Words to live by.

Ken Weeks 1951-2011

What's the Cost?

Early spring my cousins did a lot of work on my yard, pulling weeds, trimming bushes, etc.  Trimming the pair of bushes next to the back patio exposed a lone golf ball.  They left it there, and I have too for all of these months as a reminder.  This was my husband's golf ball.  He loved the fact that our backyard was long enough that he could practice his swing (I guess this one got away).  He loved being out back working on his garden, or shooting hoops, or even just sitting on the porch swing.  This golf ball is a reminder to me that life is a precious gift.  Its a fragile gift that needs our full, undivided attention.

Today marks the anniversary of my husband's visit to the emergency room where we found out that he had stage 3 colon cancer.  That was 2007.  He passed away on Valentine's Day, 2011.  His only consolation during everything was that his colon cancer got several people to have colonoscopies, some which revealed pre-cancerous polyps.  So, on anniversaries such as this, and whenever I can, I try to remind people of the importance of doing this and to offer information that others may not know to help them make a more informed decision.  I hope you'll read all of this.

When I talk to people about getting one, I get the same responses over and over again, so I would like to address those this year, especially in light of the fact that my 44 year old brother just had 4 polyps removed.

Colon cancer is the 3rd highest cause of death among all of the types of cancers, BUT its one of the few that can be detected at such an early stage that it could be wiped out if everyone had colonoscopies.  So, why doesn't everyone have a colonoscopy?

No. 1 reason:  It's Nasty.
For approximately 24 hours before the procedure, you have to drink foul tasting stuff that will clean out your system, which means spending a lot of time on the toilet.  I agree, that is nasty, but look at the alternatives:
- if a tumor is found, 2 nurses will hold you down and run a tube through your nose, down your throat and into your stomach in order to clean out your system.  Its called an NG tube.  Even a sip of water will come back up through the tube.  Imagine being like that for at least 5 days.  How does one day of diarrhea compare to that?
- while on chemo you will have days and days of diarrhea and maybe need to be admitted to the hospital to get rehydrated.
- the stuff you have to drink for various tests is even nastier than the prep for the colonoscopies, and you will be required to drink these every so many months as part of your treatment.

No. 2 reason:  It cost too much.
I was put off by the cost also and most insurance companies won't pay for it; they'll apply it towards your deductible, but the doctors will want to work out a payment plan with you before your procedure.  So, you're looking at about $1000 over maybe 3 months.
The alternative:
- Cancer is expensive.  All of the medications and doctor visits, specialists, copays, deductibles, maximum out of pocket expense, etc. over the course of 3 1/2 years, I estimate to be at least $27,000, and we had a really good insurance plan.  My monthly premiums the last two years were over $1200/month which is on top of the $27,000.  Then there's the hundreds of thousands of dollars the insurance company paid (but its still cheaper for them to do this than to cover the cost of colonoscopies for everyone).  Everyone wants their money first.  You have to call each company and work out payment plans.

No. 3 reason:  I don't have any symptoms.
By the time you have symptoms you will probably have, at least, stage 3 colon cancer.

No. 4 reason:  I did the "smear" test.
By the time anything shows up on a smear test, you will probably have stage 3 colon cancer.  All the smear test does is detect blood in the stool.  My husband's tumor was in the large colon, it would have never shown a result by this method.

No. 5 reason:  We don't have a history of colon cancer in the family.
The number of people who are getting cancer is growing everyday.  Why do you think there are so many new cancer facilities being built?  Its a booming business.  Its our lifestyles, the food we eat, stress, alcohol and other drug abuse, our environment.  Its no longer just genetics.  BUT, if you do have a family history of any type of cancer, and especially colon cancer, don't wait until you're 50 to have a colonoscopy.

Please, please, please, do yourself and your family a favor.  Go have a colonoscopy.  The alternatives are so much worse.  If you don't want to have one, that's your decision, of course, but tell me...

...how would you like to be remembered?

In loving memory

Kenneth B. Weeks

11/12/51-2/14/11

Donations:

American Cancer Society

Stand Up To Cancer - be sure to watch September 7th.  8pm Eastern/7pm Central on ABC, CBS, NBC and FOX

Hospice of Dayton

 Please click any of the links above for more information.  I am not receiving compensation for them.

FROM ONE PUMPKIN TO ANOTHER

From one pumpkin to another!!!!!!!
A woman was asked by a coworker,
'What is it like to be a Christian?'
The coworker replied, 'It is like being a pumpkin.'
God picks you from the patch, brings you in,
and washes all the dirt off of you.
Then He cuts off the top and scoops out all the yucky stuff.
He removes the seeds of doubt, hate, and greed.
Then He carves you a new smiling face and
puts His light inside of you to shine for all the world to see.'
This was passed on to me by another pumpkin.
Now it's your turn to pass it to other pumpkins.
I liked this enough to send it to all the pumpkins in my patch.


I cleaned up one of my inboxes today and found this at the bottom of a spam email. I love finding a treasure among all the junk :)

About Me

re-posted from another one of my blogs:

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I took an online class a couple of years ago and the first assignment was to write a brief description of yourself. This really turned out to be a difficult thing for me to do because I took it way too seriously. It was also an interesting observation of humanity; well, if the small group of classmates are a true sampling of all humans, which in this instance, I think they were.

If someone said to you, "tell me about yourself". Without taking the time to think it through, what would your response be? First, everyone stated their first name, but then approximately 70% of the class began their description as a definition of their relationships.

- "Hi. My name is Karen and I've been married to the most wonderful man..

- "I'm Brenda and my fiance and I have been together for 10 years...

-"Hey. My name is Sharon and I have two adorable boys, ages 8 and 10,...

The remaining 30% began with their occupation.

- "Yeah, I'm Susan and I've been a sales rep for the past 15 years,...

-"Hi everyone, my name is Lori and I'm a paralegal,...

I know this may seem like nothing to even ponder, on the surface, but I was really fascinated by this. 100% of the people chose an element of their life beyond their self as a means of describing themselves.

So, I looked at it from another point of view: if a total stranger were standing before me and was asked to describe me, what would that person say? Most definitely, the person would use adjectives to describe my physical appearance.

- "She's a woman, middle-aged, short, with curly hair and kind of pudgy."

Well, that's not exactly what I call a great way to introduce myself to a group of strangers. So I went back to the relationships and career, but I didn't want to be defined that way either. Who am I? What is the most defining point of my existence?

I don't have answers to those questions, yet, but I hope to, someday. Until then:

Hi! My name is Shari. I'm a 47 year old female who lives in Dayton, OH. I am a widow and miss my husband very much; I still grieve. I am a Christian who is fascinated with all religions. I have two grown daughters whom I'm very proud of and extremely thankful for. I have the most supportive parents in the world and am fortunate to be able to live so close to them. I have found the best and most loving and supportive friends through Etsy and I hope that someday we can all meet. When I grow up, I want to help people. I want my life on earth to mean something. I want to accomplish things, important things. I want to have time to enjoy my family and friends, to write and read and travel...

I read a church sign once that said "Have you made God smile today?"

I want to make God smile!

Missing Ken

Its been a very difficult 6 weeks since the passing of my husband. I've gone through so many emotions, thoughts, feelings, ideas and life altering plans that I don't even know what is real anymore. I came here today because I thought it might help, and was feeling particularly great this morning when I woke up, like a great burden had been lifted. It felt almost normal to be me for the first time in forever. Then, when I signed in, I saw the blog I had made for my husband: Kenneth Weeks Memorial, and I reminisced and got all teary eyed. That linked to his blog, Mr. Natural's Homeplate, which made me miss him so much more, all over again, and also made me realize, that while I may have had a breakthrough today, its not "over."

Its my intention to start writing here as often as possible in the hopes of working through some things and also to share information with others who are going through the same thing. There is so much to share and unload. Some posts will be morbidly sad of course, but hopefully some will be positive and inspiring; and, if no one reads any of this, that's ok, too, because it will be of some help to me.

Today, I completed the first task given to me in a Grief Education meeting: I acknowledged that my husband has passed away and is not coming back.