Missing Ken

Its been a very difficult 6 weeks since the passing of my husband. I've gone through so many emotions, thoughts, feelings, ideas and life altering plans that I don't even know what is real anymore. I came here today because I thought it might help, and was feeling particularly great this morning when I woke up, like a great burden had been lifted. It felt almost normal to be me for the first time in forever. Then, when I signed in, I saw the blog I had made for my husband: Kenneth Weeks Memorial, and I reminisced and got all teary eyed. That linked to his blog, Mr. Natural's Homeplate, which made me miss him so much more, all over again, and also made me realize, that while I may have had a breakthrough today, its not "over."

Its my intention to start writing here as often as possible in the hopes of working through some things and also to share information with others who are going through the same thing. There is so much to share and unload. Some posts will be morbidly sad of course, but hopefully some will be positive and inspiring; and, if no one reads any of this, that's ok, too, because it will be of some help to me.

Today, I completed the first task given to me in a Grief Education meeting: I acknowledged that my husband has passed away and is not coming back.

The Beginning of the End

I've put my shops on vacation mode for the time being. Ken has gone downhill extremely fast and yesterday he was in so much pain he just couldn't even sit still. His doctor had written his pain prescriptions wrong (less mg) so I took what I was given and gave Ken double everything so that it was the same dose he was receiving before Irefilled them. The hospice nurse called to get more &/or something different, but he (the doctor) wouldn't do it. So, the hospice nurse managed to get Ken a room at the hospice center. Its very nice here and his pain is finally under control and he's resting comfortably. He may only have 1 day left, or it could be a few, no one can say for sure. I went home to sleep last night, but will probably stay here the rest of the time except for going home to visit Velvet and to get cleaned up. They have a shower here, but I'd rather just go home for it.

I'll probably be online a lot or reading. Trying to keep my sh*t together and my mind occupied. I just keep running through all the things I procrastinated on and now i have to deal with it all now when i'm most unable to. luckily i have a very close knit family and we'll manage through together. I hope he doesn't die tomorrow because he really hates the number 13.

A New Month - A New Storm

The First Storm:
January, 2011
I didn't fair too well with my first month of goals. By mid-January, everything was lost, everything seemed to fall apart. It seemed anything I had to say would be depressing and despondent, so I just didn't write anything at all. Additionally, I had no time or energy to "reflect" or write.

I knew 2011 was going to be a rough year for me and for my family and it started out with a bang. My husband's health condition just suddenly plummeted. He entered the hospital on January 3rd of this year and was discharged a week and a half later. It turned out the cancer had spread to the nerve endings of his spine and had affected his ability to walk. By the time he came home, he was 3 days into radiation, which was going well, but he had decided not to continue with his physical therapy while he was in the hospital. At his discharge, he could barely walk. We were set up with home care to include a nurse visit 2x a week, an occupational therapist 2x a week and a physical therapist 3x a week. I could definitely see an improvement by the end of the first week. The next week, he fell and with family members trying to help him up and bruising from the fall, he insisted on having a week off to rest.

That week was full of questions, concerns and torment for me. I got no sleep. Caring for him was/is becoming more and more of a physical strain as well and it takes longer to do the same tasks we had figured out how to do the week before. I started questioning if its time to call in hospice? Should I just let him rest and not force him to exercise? Should I let him just eat and drink however much he wants?

I began noticing new "symptoms"; changes in his behavior, mood, physical appearance and mental abilities.

To be continued ...

Sing

When you're feeling kinda down, and are having a hard time getting out of your funk, then try singing. Just sing a song...

Meditation

I've spent the entire day just exhausted and rather blah. Really took it easy today, though and tried to find comfort in all of my friends' words of wisdom and inspiration and most importantly, support. I'll be sharing a lot of those comments later because they really do put things in perspective.

Several months ago, I went to a bookstore with my daughter and her boyfriend. I just can NOT go into a bookstore without buying something. After about an hour and a half of picking up books and putting them back (on such a wide range of subjects) I came across Meditation A Beginner's Guide by Charlotte Parnell. For some reason, I decided that was the one for me. I carried it around in my backpack for about 5 months before realizing, I am never going to read it, so I put it on our bookshelf.

Over the past couple of weeks, with all my thinking, reflecting, trying to get a grasp on 'the big picture' that we call life, I decided to return the book to my backpack. Last week, while visiting with my husband in the hospital, I pulled it out and started reading. This woman understood me! She even starts out talking about 'the big picture'. So, I've been reading it as time has allowed over the past couple of days and finally made it to the first meditation exercise. It was amazing!!!

I feel calmer and less depressed. Definitely a step in the right direction :)

Unsettled

Today was just one of those uncomfortable, slightly stressful days that leave you feeling kind of yucky and glad its over. It was a typical winter day in Ohio: grey, bitterly cold, windy. Every little thing was irritating, and not just to me; everyone seemed to be out of sorts today. Maybe its some sort of pre-storm thing. Tomorrow we're suppose to get 3"-5" of snow. Everyone, egged on by the media, packs the grocery stores and cleans out the staples like we're going to be snowed in for the next 3 months. I try to stay away on crazy days like this, but of course, I ran out of coffee, so I had to go. Survived that.

Ken was on edge. It was his first day of radiation, which he did great with - no problems there, but 2 or 3 different people told him he would need a wheelchair, and that just set him off. Needless to say, we will not be bringing home a wheelchair. The physical therapists are hurting him and he's just so uncomfortable. I feel helpless.

My dad got bit by his dog and his hand got infected.

Then, I get home and Velvet just wants to bark out the window all the time. I just lost it. I put her straight to bed.

Needless to say, I didn't get much "reflecting" done today. Could not focus enough to even try.

Tomorrow is a new day and I'll try again. I'm wanting to pay better attention to what I do and the choices I make and how I feel. Maybe, after the storm passes the sun will shine through and make everything bright and beautiful.

Today

Today is the beginning. I've had so much that I've wanted to write but didn't. Either I didn't have time, or the energy or desire to walk across the room to the computer. At this point, I can't remember what I've written here, or in my notebooks, or in my notes on my flashdrive, but I do know where I need to start.

A. Name the 3 most important things of your life:
1. God
2. Family
3. Friends

I'll prioritize the other aspects of my life later, but for now, I'm focusing on these 3 things. So, step one of my New Year's theme (Faith, Hope and Love) is to make sure my actions and decisions are based on what is most important.

I've already spent a lot of time on this one this past week with everything going on in my personal life which I'll write more about later, but you can probably get the jest of in the About Me section.

I heard that it takes approximately 4 weeks to learn a new habit and its virtually impossible to learn more than 1 habit at time; 2 simultaneous habits are possible, as long as they are closely related.

I'm going to start with the following format. I feel my first task is the biggest one and hope that all following tasks throughout the year will fall into place from this one.

2011 Theme: Faith, Hope and Love
2011 Tagline: Prayer
January Goal: Focus on what is most important: God, family, friends
Step one: Get closer to God.
Actions: Learn to meditate; (as my friend Pauline says:) walk with God, give everything up to God; keep a journal (this blog) and read the Bible.
Habit: meditation - includes time to reflect, to walk and to read
Related habit: journal entries
Hope to accomplish: inner peace and understanding