After moving back home (a second time), I got a job as a receptionist. While working there, I met my future husband. The following 22 years were "difficult." There were a lot of good things, and some wonderful experiences and blessings but the big takeaway were the effects of that time on my emotional and mental health.
My husband was emotionally and verbally abusive. It's difficult to explain what it was like, and why I put up with it. Why didn't I leave? I've struggled with that question for the past several years on my road to recovery. The only answers I could come up with are that I felt like he needed me, and like I was handling it. I felt like my reason for living was to, in fact, take care of him. But, the way I handled it was to "freeze." Most have heard of the "fight or flight" response but not a lot has been said about "freezing". I was numb. I spent so many years walking on eggshells, trying to avoid setting him off, but it was just an impossible task. Without realizing it, I just basically shut down. It also didn't help that we were poor and in debt up to our eyebrows.
My job was another contributing factor to my mental distress. It was like a continuation of college in the sense that it was an overwhelming workload, impossible deadlines, long hours, and some clients who were just downright cruel. Through all of this, I tried dealing with the anxiety and resulting depression on my own. That's how I handled everything. I was raised to be "strong" and not ask for help.
The mental and emotional issues (even if I did "freeze") still managed to manifest themselves in physical ways that I couldn't ignore. My solution was to treat the physical symptoms because I didn't really see any possible way to treat the underlying causes. Plus, I didn't always see the connection between the two.
My heart would race and my chest felt heavy. My solution was to drink camomile tea. I had the full array of "digestive disorders" so I
always kept with me, everywhere I went, Ultra-Strength Gas-X, Beano, Tums, and Imodium AD. Again, I thought I was successfully dealing with everything.
Other than that, there were headaches, and I always seemed to be sick with one thing or another, mostly colds, flu, bronchitis, strep throat, ear infections, and sinus infections. Oh, and I smoked two packs of cigarettes a day and drank on the weekends which didn't help my physical health.
The panic attacks sent me to urgent care a couple of times because I wasn't sure what was happening. Around the 21st year of my marriage, though, I honestly thought I was having a heart attack. I began praying to God, unceasing, begging Him for forgiveness, for healing. I swore to Him that I would never leave Him again if only He would save me. That whole experience is it's own testimony which I'll try to share a link to tomorrow. (Again, reminding family not to share any of this with Mom, please. Yes, I'm serious!) So, while God was back in my life, I still didn't know how to give my anxiety to Him or even how to really ask for help. I prayed for other people, and I thanked Him for all of the blessings He did bestow on me and felt a degree of peace in doing that.
Like I said, those were "difficult" years. The next 3 years would be the hardest, though.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
Philippians 4:6-8 ESV
Recommended Resources:
Books:
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder
by Paul T. T. Mason MS and Randi Kreger
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma
by Bessel van der Kolk M.D.
- Both books also have workbooks available.
If you or anyone you know is suffering from any sort of mental condition, please reach out to someone. I encourage you to seek counseling; it has made a world of difference to me. Go to https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/ to search for a therapist in your area. You can then filter the results to show only Christian counselors, then by issues, gender, therapy methods, etc. if you want. Pray for the strength and courage to take this vital step to recovery.
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Please join me this week in praying for those who suffer from any type of mental illness. Pray that they will find strength and hope and comfort in the Lord. Let's also pray that they seek earthly counsel and aid.
I'll post daily reminders on:
#7thHourPrayerPower #BibleVerses #bible #depression #anxiety #testimony #Jesus #hope #help #MentalBreakdown #therapist
