Verbal and emotional abuse

 

There was a man who was an alcoholic. When he drank too much he became belligerent. He would say cruel things. Then, at some point during his adult life, he was just belligerent all the time. He was a narcissist. He suffered from depression. He was neglected as a child. His wife didn't know all of these things before they got married. She didn't know that as soon as they got married, the alcoholic, narcissistic, man-child would emerge.

  When this side of him surfaced, his wife was confused. What happened to the fun-loving jokester who she thought she was marrying? He would have outbursts and say terrible things to her. He got in her face and yelled whenever she did something that upset him.

   She moved into his house after the wedding. Her few measly possessions, sentimental ceramic figurines, she placed gingerly on the shelf above the tv. The rest of her things were in the bedroom.

   One day he said, "You should put these figurines away."

   She asked, "Why?"

   He said, "They could get broken."

   She laughed it off as a silly idea. Surely he was joking. He wasn't.

   The next day she came home from work to find her favorite figurine broken into several pieces. She looked at her husband in disbelief, "What happened?"

   He just shrugged. Without even looking at her he said, "I told you you should put them away. They could get broken."

   With tears in her eyes, she boxed up the rest of the figures. They've remained in that box for thirty-six years.

   That was just the start of the verbal and emotional abuse. Family and friends told her she should leave him, but she couldn't imagine doing that. She believed she couldn't live without him. Whether that was something that he managed to plant in her mind, we'll never know, but she stuck it out for twenty-five years until he died. It was a co-dependent relationship. She suffers to this day from PTSD, depression, and anxiety; so do her children. Even though he's been dead for ten years, certain things still trigger those old responses. 

   None of this is even the tragedy. The truly sad part was that she walked away from God three years before meeting this man. She suffered alone with her children without the loving hands of her Heavenly Father. Thankfully, He called her back to Him and embraced her with open arms. He got her through the last few years of being a wife and caregiver to her dying husband.

   To anyone who feels like God has abandoned them during their darkest hour, I just want you to know that He is right there with you. You may not realize it during that time, but believe me, you don't want to know the feeling of being apart from Him through the valleys of life. Know He is there and that He loves you. He is holding your hand.

“Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."

Isaiah 41:10 NKJV

For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand, Saying to you, ‘Fear not, I will help you.’

Isaiah 41:13 NKJV

*********

Please join me this week in praying for those who are suffering, and those who feel helpless to do anything about it. Please pray that they keep their focus on God, that they don't waver in their faith. Pray that they find encouragement in the word and through prayer. Pray that they lean on their brothers and sisters in Christ who love them.

I'll post daily reminders on:

twitter @7DegreesOfMe

Instagram @7DegreesOfMe
Pinterest Prayer Group #7thHourPrayerPower

Facebook group 7th Hour Prayer Power

#7thHourPrayerPower #bibleverse #bible #helpless #abuse #verbalabuse #emotionalabuse #worry #depression #PTSD #anxiety #trust #prayer #faith

Verbal abuse at work

 

Not all supervisors are in their position because of their people skills. Numerous people have talked to me about situations at work where they don't feel like they can ask questions because their supervisor makes them feel stupid, or shames them for not already knowing the answer. They feel belittled and humiliated. 

     The result from this is that they don't ask questions, therefore they have trouble doing their job, which creates more stress. In my book, this is abuse. 

     I've had to deal with this myself in the past and just dealt with it like I dealt with the verbal and emotional abuse from my first husband. I would preface questions with, "I'm sorry, but..." or I would put myself down before the other person could do it, "I don't know why I still can't do this but..." That kind of negative self-talk did almost as much damage as the abusive language from others which I was trying to avoid. 

     Then, someone told me they would pray that the heart of the abuser, aka the supervisor, would be softened. I never thought to do that before. It made a huge difference. I started including that in my daily prayers and it just helped. At first, I felt like I needed strength to pray this, that I needed help in humbling myself to pray for people who I felt were causing me harm, but I'm so glad that I did. 

     I'm praying this prayer for you and your specific situations and encourage you to pray for your supervisors, managers, bosses, coworkers. 

Humble yourselves, therefore, 

under the mighty hand of God 

so that at the proper time he may exalt you,

1 Peter 5:6 ESV

Let God handle the battles. We need to fight the battle on our knees. (See video below). Give it all up to Him.

Be in prayer for:
G
K
S
W

B
L
J
K
T
S
C
They are all experiencing high levels of stress at work because of various situations. If there's anyone you would like to add to the list, please let me know.

You may also like: "The Power of Words" from February 25, 2019

*********

Please join me this week in praying for those who are dealing with stressful situations at their workplace. Please pray that they may find resolutions to their specific situations, that they find peace through prayer, and that their workplace no longer be a source of overwhelming stress and/or depression. Please pray that they find strength in the Lord.

I'll post daily reminders on:

twitter @7DegreesOfMe

Instagram @7DegreesOfMe
Pinterest Prayer Group #7thHourPrayerPower

Facebook group 7th Hour Prayer Power

#7thHourPrayerPower #BibleVerses #bible #work #job #stress #verbalabuse #anxiety #depression #prayer #boss #supervisor #negativeselftalk #blog #blogpost #blogger

An empty heart

 

I forgot that I was going to share at least one example that, in my mind, illustrates that it's important for us to love ourselves so that we can love and care for others. (However, I do not believe that the bible tells us to put our needs before others' nor does it mean that we should love ourselves more than others.)

     Throughout my first marriage, I did not like myself. I did not love myself. In order to shield me from emotional, mental, and verbal abuse, I would beat my husband to the negative talk. Instead of waiting for him to ask, "What's wrong with you?" in that disdaining voice, I would start conversations with, "I'm sorry", or "I wasn't thinking," or "I screwed up and did or said this..." Whatever the topic, I began by putting myself down so I wouldn't have to hear him say those things, but he said them anyway. After you hear those types of statements over and over again, you begin to believe them. 

     I walked away from God a few years before I even got married, but afterward, even if I had thought to return to Him, I wouldn't have felt worthy. I had totally screwed up my life.

     I was empty and numb inside; didn't know who I was anymore. I had no sense of self-esteem or self-worth. I did still do whatever needed to be done; if someone needed my help, I was right there. Everything was out of a sense of obligation, looking for approval. None of it was because I wanted to take care of others. It was just what was necessary and it wasn't from the heart.

     What I just this second realized is that, when I returned to God, that's when things started to change for the better. The abuse didn't stop but I no longer felt so alone. I had Someone to go to and talk to. My heart changed. I still continued to berate myself, but I felt loved by God and that made a difference.

     After my husband passed away, I sought help and was blessed with smart, insightful counselors. I grew spiritually, getting reacquainted with my Father, His Son, and the Holy Spirit. I became a student of the Word, reading the entire bible over and over again, learning how it's one continuous book that God, in His infinite wisdom, created for our use so that we can maneuver through our time on Earth. 

I began taking care of my physical body, too, realizing what the phrase, "my body is a temple" means. The Holy Spirit lives inside of me; I need to take care of His home.

     My conclusion then is this: we need to

... love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’

Matthew 22:37b-39 

     The second part of verse 39 is what many say means that we need to love ourselves in order to love others, but what I've been getting from the majority of the commentaries I've read this week is that we already love ourselves. I wanted to share three so you can make your own conclusions:

Matthew Henry's Concise Commentary (from 1710):

There is a self-love which is corrupt, and the root of the greatest sins, and it must be put off and mortified; but there is a self-love which is the rule of the greatest duty: we must have a due concern for the welfare of our own souls and bodies. And we must love our neighbour as truly and sincerely as we love ourselves; in many cases we must deny ourselves for the good of others.

Gill's Exposition of the Entire Bible (from 1771)

This law supposes, that men should love themselves, or otherwise they cannot love their neighbour; not in a sinful way, by indulging themselves in carnal lusts and pleasures; some are lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God; but in a natural way, so as to be careful of their bodies, families, and estates; and in a spiritual way, so as to be concerned for their souls, and the everlasting happiness of them: and in like manner should men love their neighbours, in things temporal do them all the good they can, and do no injury to their persons or property; and in things spiritual pray for them, instruct them, and advise as they would their own souls, or their nearest and dearest relations. And this is to be extended to every man; though the Jews restrain it to their friend and companion, and one of their own religion,

EnduringWord.com David Guzik

It is clear enough what it means to love the LORD with all we are, though it is impossible to do perfectly. But there has been much confusion about what it means to love your neighbor as yourself. This doesn’t mean that we must love ourselves before we can love anyone else; it means that in the same way we take care of ourselves and are concerned about our own interests, we should take care and have concern for the interests of others.

*********

Please join me this week in praying for our individual selves and for us as the collective Church. May we realize our worth and responsibilities as children of God, being created in His image. May we go to Him even in the midst of our guilt and shame so that He may forgive us of our sins, help us to be more Christlike, and grow in our faith and obedience.

I'll post daily reminders on:

twitter @7DegreesOfMe

Instagram @archadia27
Pinterest Prayer Group #7thHourPrayerPower

Facebook group 7th Hour Prayer Power

#7thHourPrayerPower #BibleVerses #bible #selflove #self #shame #guilt #selfesteem #abuse

Like nails in a fence

Words have so much power that negative speech can render eternal damage. My daughters and I were victims of verbal (and emotional) abuse and even though we're no longer subjected to it, we still deal with the after-effects.
     When a child uses language to tear others down, we see him (or her) as a bully but when an adult does the exact same thing, they are sometimes seen as powerful, without the negative connotation, and that's just wrong. That type of harmful language can affect the entire life of the abused, their very path.

The people who I know who are "verbal bullies" seem to have a few characteristics in common:
- narcissistic
- spoiled or neglected as a child
- insecure
- angry
- prone to temper tantrums when they don't get their own way
- vengeful
- spiteful

One of my professors was like this and as a result, I dropped out of college and seemed to have no path or direction for years.
     A landlady sent my first husband a story about a man who, with every harmful word, drove a nail into a fence. When he did come to repent and removed the nails, the holes left by his words would never go away.
     The other side of this story though, was that she professed to be a Christian yet did not forgive. Forgiveness would have filled those holes, no matter how deep.
     We need to pray for those who speak harmful words just as diligently as we need to pray that our own words are pleasing to God.

“Telling lies about others is as harmful as 

hitting them with an ax, 

wounding them with a sword, or 

shooting them with a sharp arrow.”

Proverbs 25:18

*********

Please join me this week in praying for God to give us positive, Christ-honoring language. Pray for wisdom and discernment. Pray that through our language, others will see Christ through us and be drawn to Him.

I'll post daily reminders on:

twitter @7DegreesOfMe

Instagram @archadia27

Facebook group 7th Hour Prayer Power

We speak what's in our hearts

The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, 

and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, 

for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.

Luke 6:45 ESV

Seek peace

What man is there who desires life and loves many days, 

that he may see good? 

Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit. 

Turn away from evil and do good; 

seek peace and pursue it

Psalm 34:12-14 ESV

What comes from your mouth

It is not what goes into the mouth that defiles a person, 

but what comes out of the mouth; this defiles a person.”

Matthew 15:11 ESV

I've been watching what I say this week (more closely) and filtering what I'm going to say by thinking first and speaking second. I didn't realize how negative I can be! Just little things, but they still create an atmosphere around me that people pick up on. Example: when asked what I thought of lunch, I was going to say, "The service was slow." But, since I thought first, I turned it around to, "the food was wonderful." It's just that small little twist, speaking the positive instead of the negative that not only changes how others perceive you but also affects your outlook. You will have a much better day if you look for the good in people, situations, feelings.

I read a book about positivity several decades ago. It was excellent and I wish I still had it or at least remembered the title, but the one piece of advice that has stuck with me all of these years is take note while you're speaking...how many times do you say a negative word? How many times do you say: can't, won't, no, 'un'-words like unable, unwilling, unlikely, etc.? When I started noticing these things in my own speech, I was amazed at how many negative words I used. It's the 'glass is half-empty vs. half-full' of language. Plus, I discovered that when I changed how I spoke to include a positive selection of vocabulary, I genuinely felt better and happier. Give it a try. Let me know how it works for you.

*****

Please join us this week as we pray that our tongues be tamed and that our words are fitting of an image-bearer of Christ. I'll post daily reminders on:
twitter @7DegreesOfMe
instagram @archadia27
facebook group 7th Hour Prayer Power

Rid yourself of these things

But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: 

anger, 

rage, 

malice, 

slander, and 

filthy language from your lips.  

Do not lie to each other, 

since you have taken off your old self with its practices and 

have put on the new self, 

which is being renewed in knowledge 

in the image of its Creator.

Colossians 3:8-10 NIV

Time for change

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
Ephesians 4:29

I attended a church service several years ago where the Pastor preached solely on this one Bible verse. He closed with this thought:
Close your eyes for a moment and try to picture a world without unwholesome talk, no cursing or yelling, or cruel words. Can you imagine how different our world we would be?
Try to picture it. Try to do that with your own language; set that example for others. We need to build each other up instead of shaming, calling people out, berating each other. We need positive, healing language. It's time for a change. Be the change.

Paul continued with: Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving.
Ephesians 5:4

*****

Please join us this week as we pray that our tongues be tamed and that our words are fitting of an image-bearer of Christ. I'll post daily reminders on:
twitter @7DegreesOfMe
instagram @archadia27
facebook group 7th Hour Prayer Power

The power of words

     I'm always in awe when I think about something specific and then go to Church the next day and the Pastor preaches about that exact thing. I shouldn't be surprised though since God is omnipotent. As we were praying last week for hearing, I ran into several Bible verses about speaking and anticipated making that the topic of this weeks' prayer. Additionally, I know several people who endure verbal and emotional abuse by loved ones and wanted to include them in our prayers this week, also.
     Yesterday, the Pastor preached on James 3:1-12 about words and about taming the tongue. It was if God was telling me, "Write more specifically about this." I got goosebumps!
     I'm sure we all have experience with someone who consistently tears people down with words, and hopefully, we all have experience with someone who consistently builds others up with words. What we have to be concerned with is our own tongue. Be diligent about speaking with love. Don't gossip. Refrain from cursing and slanderous language.

James writes:

All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures 

are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, 

but no human being can tame the tongue. 

It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.

With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, 

and with it we curse human beings, 

who have been made in God’s likeness. 

Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. 

My brothers and sisters, this should not be.

James 3:9-10

Have you ever visited another part of the country and within a couple of days find yourself speaking like the residents of that area? You start imitating their dialect and word choices without even thinking about it. By the end of the first week, you're saying "warsh" instead of "wash", or "soda" instead of "pop" just by being around others who speak a certain way. Think of the difference we as believers can make by simply watching what we say! Tame your tongue and others will follow.

*****

Please join us this week as we pray that our tongues be tamed and that our words are fitting of an image-bearer of Christ. I'll post daily reminders on:
twitter @7DegreesOfMe
instagram @archadia27
facebook group 7th Hour Prayer Power