However, first, I want to tell you my pre-epiphanies, in case any of them would apply to someone else. My mental and emotional symptoms were depression and high, high anxiety - as in I would get in 3,000-5,800 steps a day just from pacing. I knew I wasn't scared or nervous about the pandemic because I find peace in my faith. Although I did realize from my "be still" time, that I needed to focus more of my time, thoughts, and activities on God.
So, I started with a physical assessment: I looked at how much coffee I was drinking: 5 cups a day, same as always (I know, I know). Maybe it was from going off NyQuil, but that never happened before. It could be a lack of sleep because I haven't slept well in at least a week. But none of that seems to warrant so much anxiety.
Since it involved depression, it had to be mental in some way, especially if it wasn't spiritually or physically related. I knew it couldn't be that I'm stuck at home because honestly, that's ideal for someone like me. It very well could have been because my calendar was clear for the first time in forever. So, I got out my to-do list and added in things I want to accomplish during this time period and my anxiety reached new levels, so that wasn't it.
Then, I dug a little deeper...loss of community. That's probably a big one for a lot of people. So I reached out to my church family and set up some Zoom meetings; my Pastor started making some prayer videos which helped me feel better, but it still wasn't enough; it wasn't the cure.
After another night of no sleep, I woke up this morning and decided to start from scratch. I laid in bed and tried to still my mind but my restless dreams kept coming to the foreground. They were dreams about work, family, church...and I began to feel an overwhelming sense of guilt. Guilt for not working, not earning a paycheck, not seeing my family, not serving in the church and who knows what else was involved that I didn't remember dreaming about. I have spent my entire life taking charge, no - actually more like taking "control" of situations (at least in my mind), handling and caring and protecting others and I can't do that in the midst of a world controlled by an unseen and unknown enemy (which sounds a lot like Satan, but at least we know him and how he operates and how to defend ourselves against him); one that spreads and infects and kills at such a rapid pace that no one can get ahead of it.
Even though all of this is completely out of my control, it is what has been weighing on me. I feel helpless. I'm not essential personnel in any respect. Maybe that's a pride thing, but I like to think it's a longing of my recently discovered servant's heart. There are some volunteer opportunities, but I am still sick and have basically been sick off and on since last November, so I don't consider going out into the physical world to be an option, really.
So, how to fix this...
- I want to put more time and effort into reaching out to people.
- I will allow myself to feel that even something as simple as a daily bible verse may help someone; it may be just the message that someone needs to see from our loving Father.
- I will understand that staying home is my job for now and I will try to use this time as an opportunity to bring honor and glory to God in ways that I'm sure He will share with me.
- The hardest one for me is that I will quit judging myself based on life before the coronavirus. Actually, I want to expand that...I want to quit judging myself, and quit worrying about what others think of me - I hate that I've ever cared. People have been making fun of me my whole life for one thing or another and instead of developing a thick skin, it just made me more self-conscious. Well, enough is enough. What God thinks of me is my only concern and He knows I'm not perfect and He loves me anyway. His judgment is the only judgment that matters.
This is now part of my new normal.
Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said,
“Anyone who wants to be first must be the very last, and the servant of all.”
Mark 9:35 NIV
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A New Normal - A blog series dedicated to my ability (or inability) to live through this unprecedented period of time - one of a coronavirus, covid-19, pandemic, social distancing, shelter-in-place existence.Part 1 A New Normal
Part 2 Be Still
Part 3 On Being Essential
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